Issue 1 complacent
Kaancho,
March, 2026
©Malashree Suvedi
Kaancho,
March, 2026
©Malashree Suvedi
I wonder how long this feeling of being washed away in love is going to last, I’ve been told that it doesn’t last long. Will I change then? What will I want then? Even now, I have many fears, mostly relating to worlds inside of me colliding—political and philosophical and cultural morals spiral inside of me. But […] is a good man. He is kind and patient with me. And we are so funny together, our senses of humour gently bouncing back and rubbing on each other. He is good. I love him, it has been a pleasure to get to know him.
16th May 2023
Fragments, I am made of fragments, you see what you want see, I create regardless of futility, linearity becomes dystopic. I am only tongue—tongue tongue tongue, धेरै धेरै धेरै, viel….., a lot….., a lot….oof, this fucking kid. I carry her with me. Always, you know then I, right? I am, I am…we are made of other people, but then why do I want distance? I’m tired of being this person, I am just an ocean, I am ocean—I want to be isolated
Fragments.
Fragmented kaleidoscope.
September 2024
Wedding Ring quiet
Fine it’s a thing, I over explain and I lose track of myself, my beautiful self, I only have me
And my mother
And my friends
And my husband?????????
My dad too,
sure why not,
my brother.
January 12th 2025
I belong with my work, if nowhere else.
***
Love marriage नै भएछ,
म बुढो थिएँ, अनि भोली पल्ट गएर सानी भएँ । I was old, come tomorrow day I have become young.
साथीहरु धेरै छैनन्, अब बच्चा पाउने । I don’t have many friends, now time to have a child.
I am not undemanding of attention, my personality isn’t docile enough, but yet I have a tendency to carve space away from myself, I do not believe I deserve it, I am too entangled in the politics of the world to feel like I can say things without failure. That is until I have to write or make art, with those things too I feel hesitation and consequence, but at least I can try to express what I mean to say and how I mean to say and not fuss too much on a linear form. I like abstraction, I like chaos, I like confusion. I feel comfortable in a string of words that float away and come back, like I remember once I had a panic attack and after it subsided, I knew what it was to breathe. And I really really hate other people sometimes, it’s not their faults, nor do I think I’m better than them, but I always feel a bit off, weathered walls…my walls are weathered, but they still stand. I wanted to be a poet ever since I was born, and all they want to do is talk about is…I get it, I get how you see me based on who I am with, I get it, I would like to unsubscribe myself from this, I want to be a good person, I know I may sound mean, but I am nice, over all, if a bit short tempered, impatient….I overthink, tumble tumble mind….I want to be able to make art in peace, am I happy? I don’t care
Am I free? No, I am not free from judgements, as in I am, actually, but I am not free from the concept of them and that is an entirely me problem, I need to elevate myself away, easier said than done, I was the one who looks for people when I don’t need anymore people, all I need is the friend who sits next to me while we talk about the same thing over and over again but there too…other people’s judgements,
कसैको नजर नलागोस् no gaze shall reach you
and him…oh my god, all this for a man…that too….you know
Hahaha चेली बचाउ आक्रमणकारीहरूबाट….protect the girl child from invaders....
Looking for gold that strong visa
I mean of course they’re going to accept him, no no I get the implication and I literally agree with you, I just wanted to share a cute story with my family…
On the other hand, I am a traitor to the cause, to my cause, whatever my cause is….it is exhausting, I am exhausted, love is not worth this tiredness…why do I have to conform now? What did the priest say about fertility? What did my friends say about bringing someone into this world?
I think I’m going to leave him, it’s tiring….
Kidding
I wouldn’t do that, not for you, you loser, I am miserable on my own, I don’t need your input…but I love him, they said my love would fade
They were very wrong; let’s check back in 10 years.
10 years later
I am covered in wool, I am covered in paint…I am married to my work, like one of those men in those TV shows, the missus is the art huh or is it the other way round???
The husband is my husband, he is cooking for me, it’s up and down but overall, I keep very little company with other people…tomorrow I am planning on sewing my hip to his with visible thread….just to spice things up, I gained weight, then lost it, then gained it again, my hair is short again. I am an artist, I am so famous only I know about myself. Our love is still there, I think.
April 10th 2025
I guess I wanted to speak without having to confront anyone and that’s not how things work, I feel like a bit blue and a bit tied like my chest is tied but like so what right, I mean I am doing this now might as well do this now, fuck you all. See you all in hell, well I think you’re all going to heaven, maybe they’ll let me take a sneak peek.
He is arriving in 4 days!! I can’t wait, silly goofy boy, we can do our bits together and have fights in person and not over video call.
***
Depending on the circles one traverses in, a desire for success and ambition is vilified…this narrative is especially boring to me, you know me, a woman. It’s nice that I have love and friendship, and I hope it continues, but what I really want is success, whatever that means. Now that’s love.
30 years later
I am a different person now, I am all tongue now and I have beaten up a lot more people than I had 30 years ago, my husband is making me coffee.
***
I am so excited to wear this saree and I can't wait to wear the other one and also the other one and also I am wearing a lehenga and my veil is hand-embroidered and it’s going to be very long and I am doing my own makeup I am so excited, I am going to look so beautiful, I wish I weren’t smart…my intelligence is wasted on me, I am so stupid…I am so pretty, so ugly, nah not really, I am pretty and I am so awful I hate it all I love it all
being a woman is a performance of a lifetime, trying to figure out human connection requires grit...i will try to fulfill whatever i can.
I am so fucking free, there will never be a time in my life where I don’t want to run away.
LATELY I HAVE HEARD THEM SPEAK ABOUT ME IN TONGUES BUT THEY DO NOT KNOW THAT I HAVE DECIPHERED THEIR LITTLE JUVENILLE CODE, they speak about how i look more than whats on my mind and when i want to speak about how i look they speak about society and make snark remarks
sometimes you dont know who is left wing who is right wing, some rhetorics become alike, boxes, they place me in boxes...i’ll eat ur boxes up alive, rage inside my heart, so much light...i must hold on.
It was difficult for me to come to terms with having to compromise, I view compromise as a negative thing, especially in relation to the larger understanding of womanhood, how womanhood was and continues to be viewed as suffering romanticised…compromise needn’t be horrific, however, a loaded word can be deconstructed and understood for its material reality. That being said, the conversations I have had with people, including family and friends, have not always been productive. Although I have pushed back, I have also compromised on how much I push back, because I, personally, try to maintain a level of mild pragmatism that I hope does not get misconstrued for silence. It is not that I don’t want to be disruptive, it is that I do not want to be disrespectful, or wrong, I also honestly, sometimes…don’t care enough, I care about the rage inside of me, holy like an undying flame, I care about upholding my morals and my standards, I fail sometimes, but I try.
And of course it is okay that I contradict myself within my writing, it is there that I truly feel comfortable to do so…can i just say...what i mean to say is, after everything i have said, what i mean to say is, i am actually too egotistical and cynical to buy into this other people will always be there for you bullshit,
i like other people, i like maintaining meaningful relationships, i am glad for it, but the most important person in my life is the self...i don’t always like me, and often I wish I were different, but I am stuck with this person called Malashree Suvedi, and I may as well try to make the most out of my life with her. A match made in purgatory.
***
The woman has to remain married, while the man has to be married to. In an ironic twist, this is one of the instances where the man is the object; however he becomes the object of desire, a fetishistic idol. Marriage is a woman’s job; maintenance often is. The man just has to exist, the woman has to exist around him.
After you get married, you lose yourself. Your identity becomes tied to his. You’re the mrs, the plus 1.
I am going to burn a building,
2026
Children, when I later do not have a voice anymore anymore--rememeber that I managed to live and laugh--and all that was made possible on the backs of those who were assasinated, murdered--their houses eradicated, their families killed in senseless violence and genocide; we saw the splendour that our beautiful planet had to offer and created wars, borders, walls, poverty, slavery--high rise buildings created by Black and Brown labour--women who look like me--but are decisively not me--made to look and sort through filth and horror for pennies--all so our AI technolords could create more money out of thin air--while children get bombed, women raped, entire ecosystems destroyed. But those of us in more privileged positions avert our eyes. We plunge into darknes, then decide it’s too much but there is no aversion for a man carrying his dead child, there is no aversion for those who do not have the warmth of their beds. Do not be a coward, it’s the least you can do. For it is only possible to truly bathe in the splendour of life, love, our planet if we also remember that we must not forget; we are all human and worthy of bread and roses, and anyone who tries to tell you otherwise is a fool. I have no solutions, perhaps I am also a coward, but I have never known how to hold my tongue, and I hope I never learn. Fuck you dumb fucking idiots who shut up.